The below screenplay may contain some embellishments, but if it does they serve only to assist the story and not the outcome:
INT - MAJOR SUPPLIER OF HOUSEHOLD GOODS STORE IN A NORTHERN SUBURB OUTLET STORE CENTRE - LATE MORNING
Two intrepid, fearless, attractive, smart and funny explorers enter the brightly lit showroom of the store.
DAN, casual in jeans, sneakers and a Washington Redskins RG3 t-shirt, looks around for a local guide to assist with their search for the fabled tapware of power. Legend has it, whoever possesses this tapware will unlock fluid joy and liquid harmony in their bathroom. THE SHADOW, a cloud of dark shapeless smoke reminiscent of a powerful ninja when the ninja has entered smoke-form, spots an idle guide sitting at a table under an umbrella sipping an exotic looking cocktail. His pose suggests he has been idle for some time. He tries desperately to avoid catching the raised eyes of The Shadow, but her will is stronger, her gaze fierce. The name tag on the guide's chest says in bold letters and colors: JIM.
JIM
(looking sadly up from his idleness)
Is there anything I can help you with today?
THE SHADOW
(eyes narrowed, focused, channeling a little bit of Jedi power)
We have come for the fabled taps of Baden-Württemberg. You will take us to them.
JIM
(A final look at his drink, water beads and runs down the outside of the cocktail glass. His eyes find the fierce gaze of The Shadow and he wilts underneath them. No! This is his land, his rules. He reaches deep for fortitude and for a moment finds some he lost several years earlier. In a slow, meandering voice he asks)
Who told you I can assist with such a long, difficult, dangerous and often fruitless venture?
THE SHADOW
(she cares not for his feeble attempts, she dismisses his question with a quick retort)
Is it not your livelihood to assist those such as I?
JIM
(Trapped in a logic bubble he cannot but assist)
Follow me.
Jim leads the explorers through the cavernous aisles until they reach that which they came for, tapware from the Black Forrest.
JIM
Here are the wondrous taps of Baden-Württemberg.
DAN
(Bored after spending 30 minutes walking the 10 meters behind this meandering turtle-man)
Good, we want this one and two of these.
JIM
(Lazy by nature he has the ability to wield powerful black magic when required. Dan has just unlocked the magic, Jim is now empowered by Dan's express interest)
Oooo Kaaaay. Let's see here. This has two price tags, you know why?
DAN
How could I possibly know why?
JIM
Sooo, the first is the tap, the second is the taps internals. You need both.
THE SHADOW
(She cares not for details, she came for taps dammit)
Ok, how much for 2 of these, 1 of these and the necessary internals
JIM
(He has all day to f**k with tourists, he gets paid an appearance fee, not a commission)
Whoa, slow down. You actually want these things.
THE SHADOW
(the exact nature of the transaction is slowly dawning on Dan and The Shadow, they are now playing his game according to his rules. It is a confusing game)
Err, yes. That's why we came all this way.
JIM
(Loves stupid tourists)
These ones?
DAN
(Trying to butter him up a little)
Yes please, Mr Guide, sir.
JIM
(Eats butter for breakfast)
These don't just grow on trees you know. When do you want them.
THE SHADOW
(Doesn't care about butter)
Right-goddam-now
JIM
(Rolls on the floor laughing)
(This continues for some time)
(DAN and The Shadow set up a small campsite and wait the night.)
(About 18 hours pass before the ROFLing stops. JIM stands up and snorts derisively)
You can't just get these things immediately.
Dan and The Shadow look confused.
JIM
Dammit, we're a showroom, not a factory outlet. We don't actually carry any...
(DERISIVE SNORTING)
...stock.
Dan and The Shadow look confused.
JIM
If we carried stock we would need to house it. Do you know how expensive it is to house stock? It's much better if we sell things we don't have, then we don't have to pay for it. We'll take your money, then buy what you want from a real company with a great big warehouse and lots of stock. And we'll charge you a teensy bit...
Indicates a way big bit
JIM
...more than we pay. And it will take anywhere from 4 days to 4 years.
Now, would to like to give me your money?
The Shadow
(A little stunned at this turn of events)
Can you tell us how much it will cost?
JIM
(Retrieves a small pocket notebook from his pockets. This book is his magical power source, when it is open only dark things can happen and tourists need to be wary.)
Suuuuuuuuuuure I can. First I need to screw around on this computer, like I know what I'm doing. See, this computer here can tell me what the product id's are.
DAN
(Confused and a little dazed from the black magic Jim has unlocked)
Don't the price tags next to the items have the product id's on them? You just wrote them down.
JIM
(Senses victory)
Maybe. Maybe not. We'll just have to see what the computer says. It's the boss after all. Now...
stretches out, cracks knuckles and grabs the mouse
JIM
lets see... is it this website...
Time passes
JIM
...no. Maybe this one....
Time passes
JIM
no...
THE SHADOW
(Murderously bored and clueless as to she is waiting for)
Maybe I can find it, why dont you go find the price list.
JIM
Sure.
Jim meanders off and returns three days later
JIM
My colleague found the site, its here...
Jim screws around on the computer for an hour but can't duplicate the website his colleague had open at another computer.
JIM
Maybe we should trek to his computer
Jim wanders off into the middle of the jungle. The ex-intrepid explorers hesitantly follow, wondering just what the hell is going on.
Jim screws around on another computer for three hours and writes down three product numbers into his little notebook. The product numbers match those previous written.
JIM
Alright, got the numbers. Let's get some prices.
Jim wanders off deeper into the jungle to yet another computer terminal. He ponderously and meticulously enters each product id into the computer and it spits out a price. The price is remarkably similar to that found on the wall next to where the products were actually placed.
JIM
Shall I put that into a quote?
THE SHADOW
(Not really paying attention anymore her brain has long since shutdown and gone somewhere else. Her mouth operates on auto-pilot)
Sure.
JIM
Ooooooo kaaaaaaay.
Jim randomly presses some keys for a while.
JIM
(Smugly)
Oh, looks like the computer has crashed and needs to reboot. We'll just wait here a little while.
The Shadow and Dan look at each other, they mentally agree on a course of action.
The Shadow picks up the computer monitor from the desk and beats Jim into unconscious submission with it. She lords over the bleeding mess of skull and skin and brain and screams like a banshee into the night a bloodcurdling scream that frightens the other guides and they scurry off into little jungle dens. Dan grabs the pieces of paper with the product id's and the prices. Leaving behind a bloodied mess they run use a series of old goat trails to find their way out of the jungle and vow never, ever, ever to return to that particular jungle.
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